Self help

Dear Emily, I was glad to hear about your new incarnation as an advice columnist. I’m confused.

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If I turned over a new leaf, would I stay just as green?

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If I look on the bright side, won’t I need shades?

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If I just do it, can I get out of having to think?

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If I’m to be neither a borrower nor a lender, shouldn’t I in good conscience cease to breathe?

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If I gave a hundred and ten percent, could I get it all back in deductions?

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If I follow someone else’s advice to reinvent myself, who owns the intellectual property rights?

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If I’m learning to express my sexuality, and I accidentally get in touch with my inner child, does that make me a pedophile?

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If I prioritize personal growth, can I write off my blighted urban core?

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If I seize the day, can I still get a good night’s sleep?

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If I cast my bread upon the waters, am I free to piss in the wind?

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If I could truly “be here, now,” would I forget how to curse?

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If I let the scales fall from my eyes, how would I see my way in a world of snakes?

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Most of all, I wonder: If I help myself, can I still expect a second helping?

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Any light you could shed on these matters would be much appreciated. Sign me…

Differently Clued in Pennsylvania
__________

Thanks to Abdul-Walid for forwarding the link.

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Dave Bonta (bio) crowd-sources his problems by following his gut, which he shares with 100 trillion of his closest microbial friends — a close-knit, symbiotic community comprising several thousand species of bacteria, fungi, and protozoa. In a similarly collaborative fashion, all of Dave's writing is available for reuse and creative remix under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License. For attribution in printed material, his name (Dave Bonta) will suffice, but for web use, please link back to the original. Contact him for permission to waive the "share alike" provision (e.g. for use in a conventionally copyrighted work).

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