Product develops high speed

toboggan warning

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the watcher

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Dave Bonta (bio) crowd-sources his problems by following his gut, which he shares with 100 trillion of his closest microbial friends — a close-knit, symbiotic community comprising several thousand species of bacteria, fungi, and protozoa. In a similarly collaborative fashion, all of Dave's writing is available for reuse and creative remix under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License. For attribution in printed material, his name (Dave Bonta) will suffice, but for web use, please link back to the original. Contact him for permission to waive the "share alike" provision (e.g. for use in a conventionally copyrighted work).

10 Comments


  1. Product seems to be a sled or toboggan. My stepsister received harm through improper misuse of similar product in southeastern Lower Michigan in 1971. Product reached high speed in proximity to large woody animal, perhaps tree, while lower extremity was sticking out, leading to fracturage of aforementioned lower extremity (leg). She’s all right now, thanks.

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  2. Ouch! And see, I’ll bet if it had come with an attractive red warning sticker like this toboggan did, she would’ve been safe.

    Really, that’s all we need in life — better rules. Look how well the Ten Commandments have worked to prevent idolatry, murder, coveting of neighbors’ asses, and the like.

    Incidentally, it’s too bad I can’t leave comments on your blog. I wanted to tell you the other day how much I enjoyed your Extended Dance Haiku.

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  3. Cheers, Dave. The EDH was written about sunset over the Semmering Pass, which connects the railway systems of Austria and Italy, and which really deserves a much longer poem than I have the patience to write.

    You’re quite right about the Ten Commandments. Thanks to them, it is only our neighbors’ tits that we covet.

    No, wait, I should edit that out.

    I’m currently eyeing the products in my apartment warily, wondering which of them might be likely to develop high speed; and which ones I should or should not allow diving onto.

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  4. which really deserves a much longer poem than I have the patience to write
    No doubt. But what you did write was very funny, taking a gentle poke at the cult of the haiku.

    it is only our neighbors’ tits that we covet
    Speak for yourself. Fortunately, I have no neighbors.

    There ought to be a government program to retroactively apply warning labels to products made before the era of universal warnings. Or maybe they’re already doing that over in Old Europe? Some of those cathedrals would require mighty big stickers, I’m thinking. American flags could come with special electronic warning labels, linked by satellite to the Department of Homeland Security. When the label changes from yellow to orange, wave harder.

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  5. The real problem is when the warning labels appear instead of proper design, or even a recall. In the meantime, “do not taunt Happy Fun Ball!”

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  6. Good point. This toboggan is definitely not as sturdily built as the one we had when we were kids.

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  7. …I’ll bet if it had come with an attractive red warning sticker like this toboggan did, she would’ve been safe…

    That’s it exactly: the illusion of safety. Lovely the way that goes with flag waving. I love the flag waving harder. Simply gorgeous simulacrum you’ve made here of getting out of danger’s way posting stickers and other filmy fabrics. I think it’s Jen Starck’s constuction paper coming through you in the form of two-dimensional safe guards against four dimensional eradicators. I might suggest adding some mirrors though, as she did. Great for repulsing evil.

    I tried out some of her links, namely Fecal Face. Kids!

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  8. I’m still trying to imagine what a warning label on a cathedral might say.

    I have made a tentative short list of products in my apartment that develop high speed:

    cats
    wife
    self
    coffee grinder

    Products that I shall not allow diving onto include all products in apartment with the exception of bed.

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