Dark matter (a survey)

Take the survey here

UPDATE: Here are the survey results as of noon, 1/21/10 (omitting the percentages of those who chose to skip the question):

Can a houseplant die of loneliness?

  • 52 (72%) said Yes
  • 11 (15%) said No
  • 9 (13%) said What?

Do you see twelve different things through the eyes of twelve different needles?

  • 35 (49%) said Yes
  • 20 (28%) said No
  • 20 (28%) said How did you know?

If mornings came with printed instructions, would anyone read them?

  • 24 (34%) said Yes
  • 30 (43%) said No
  • 16 (23%) said All readings are misreadings

Have you ever torn all the paper from a spiral notebook, page by page, just to get an unobstructed look at the spiral?

  • 16 (23%) said Yes
  • 38 (54%) said No
  • 17 (24%) said None of your beeswax

Will this be the year they start using prisons for captive breeding programs?

  • 8 (11%) said Yes
  • 28 (40%) said No
  • 34 (49%) said Why? Lord knows, it’s not like prisoners are an endangered species

Wouldn’t a truly self-adhesive tape collapse like a star into a black hole?

  • 20 (29%) said Yes
  • 9 (13%) said No
  • 41 (59%) said That’s setting a pretty high standard for adhesiveness, don’t you think?

Do you find it harder to think in a room where you can’t touch the ceiling?

  • 10 (14%) said Yes
  • 49 (71%) said No
  • 10 (14%) said They don’t pay me enough to think

With our fondness for clichés, don’t we risk making the perfect storm the enemy of the good storm?

  • 30 (43%) said Yes
  • 6 (9%) said No
  • 33 (48%) said Bad weather is better than no weather at all

If your name was Fritz Zwicky, wouldn’t you also prefer to be known as the Father of Dark Matter?

  • 41 (60%) said Yes
  • 13 (19%) said No
  • 14 (21%) said Maybe, but I’m not sure I look good with a flying V guitar

If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?

  • 8 (12%) said Yes
  • 53 (77%) said No
  • 8 (12%) said Only if I didn’t have to change my underwear


Note: Since this survey was open to all comers and not administered in a random fashion, the results are scientifically worthless. However, that doesn’t matter too much, since it was really a “push poll” for the Dadaist Party. Ketchup for Shah! U.S. out of North America! Etc.

12 Comments


  1. Dave. I HAVE to know what my survey responses say about me! Where are my results? Where are they?


  2. Yes. Results, please. (I am a results-based community on a need-to-know basis.)


  3. I will publish the results, question by question, in an update to this post tomorrow. I’m sorry that, apparently, PollDaddy doesn’t display results of surveys the way it does for its much simpler polls — this is the first time I’ve ever used the feature. But for the survey author, they offer complete breakdowns, e.g. for Page 10, “If all of your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?”: So far 32 respondents, or 71 percent, obviously don’t care about their friends and said No. Only seven people — 16 percent — admitted to being mindless sheeple and said Yes, while another six (13 percent) were typical “give me convenience or give me death” Americans (and others), and chose the third option, “Only if I didn’t have to change my underwear.”


    1. Well, unless all your friends were naked, of course.

  4. Elizabeth (Beth) Westmark

    I never, ever do surveys.

    Well, only late at night. Only for you.


    1. Thanks for making an exception! I’ve always taken a perverse delight in surveys, questionaires, and other such forms, the more bureaucratic and obtuse, the better.


    1. No, that’s a term invented by right-wing libertarians, I think.



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