Resolutions

This year, I will:

  • dissolve in solution
  • void the warranty
  • integrate multi-dimensional dynamics to improve performance
  • do the people’s business
  • evolve lungs and learn to live on land
  • keep out of reach of children
  • take calming herbs such as chamomile, stinging nettle, and oatstraw
  • hang crepe on your door
  • drink to that
  • LOL
  • apply a thin layer of the product over affected area twice daily
  • share the wealth
  • walk like a duck
  • declare victory and withdraw all my troops
  • subtract line 40a from line 38
  • become my own cheerleader
  • get on the same page
  • combine medications to enhance depression outcomes
  • drop it like it’s hot
  • use verbs or action words to help define the objective
  • extend my wardrobe to patterned suits including pinstripes, herringbone, and plaids
  • shuffle off to Buffalo
  • scheme
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Dave Bonta (bio) crowd-sources his problems by following his gut, which he shares with 100 trillion of his closest microbial friends — a close-knit, symbiotic community comprising several thousand species of bacteria, fungi, and protozoa. In a similarly collaborative fashion, all of Dave's writing is available for reuse and creative remix under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License. For attribution in printed material, his name (Dave Bonta) will suffice, but for web use, please link back to the original. Contact him for permission to waive the "share alike" provision (e.g. for use in a conventionally copyrighted work).

16 Comments


  1. “hang crepe on your door” — yes, please!

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    1. I picked that up from old blues songs. Evidently it’s a veiled threat.

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  2. Dave, speaking for myself (but then how else can one speak… though there ARE those who claim to speak for others) it’s a relief that you’ve done the perfect list. I shall steal it with impunity, thus saving myself the worry of making one of my own. A BIG thank you. Yet again you’ve started my day with a smile of sheer pleasure and wonder!

    There’s been an overnight snowfall in the Ystwyth Valley The world out there looks the way it should at New Year. Seasons Greetings.

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    1. Steal all you want! I was really just stealing from myself. The first time I did this kind of list, it was an original idea, I think, though I do feel this year’s list is better and more varied.

      We continue to get snow squalls here — not much accumulation, but enough to erase all the old tracks and turn the page, so to speak.

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  3. Hey Dave! Such a great list! May I borrow “extend my wardrobe to patterned suits including pinstripes, herringbone, and plaids” to use at some point (with attribution, of course!). It seems like a natural jumping off point for some June Cleaver musings…maybe as she shuffles off to Buffalo?

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    1. Of course. I always love it when people build on my stuff. And in point of fact I got the idea for that line, and most of the words in it, from a couple sentences in an article on eHow.com about how to buy a suit coat.

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  4. I particularly liked “keep out of reach of children”– I’ve practiced that one all of my life and it really works!

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    1. I’ll try that at school. A lot of the rest is too aspirational. (I like the idea of things being too aspirational.)

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      1. In Up the Down Staircase, I seem to recall that the teacher protagonist spends the entire first day trying to get kids to discuss Shakespeare’s line “A man’s reach should exceed his grasp,” to great comic effect.

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    2. Yeah. Of course I’m staying out of reach of relationships, too, so the children thing pretty much takes care of itself at this point.

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  5. Wait. How could I have forgotten “wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled”?!

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  6. Personally, I’m looking forward to the wardrobe extension…I hope you mean it.

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    1. No, but I did just take advantage of the after-Christmas sales to buy a couple of new coats — and none too soon, given the weather we’ve been having!

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  7. Nice! I like these. I didn’t even try to write resolutions this year.

    Reply

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