How to panic

Flip, flop and fly — not necessarily in that order.

Re-wire all your circuits and don’t ground anything.

Re-calibrate your trajectory every half-second like a butterfly en route to nothing in particular.

Unless you believe in market forces, you will die in your sins. Trust in the rational investor and the invisible hand.

Use the small hammer provided to break the glass.

When called upon to participate in a panic attack, be sure to bring the viable issue of your torrid fling with a goat.

Sew panic buttons into all your shirts for easy access.

Alongside the lyric, dramatic and satiric, pre-Socratic philosophers recognized the importance of the panic mode.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, you must be some kind of goddamned robot.

Panic, like dancing, worship services and outbreaks of bubonic plague, is best experienced in a group setting.

Love may take you out of yourself, but only panic can save you from the tedium of thought.

Don’t shout “fire!” willy-nilly in a crowded theater. Wait for a quiet moment full of dramatic tension.

Remember, it’s not true that the lemmings in that Disney nature film committed mass suicide. They were pushed.

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Dave Bonta (bio) crowd-sources his problems by following his gut, which he shares with 100 trillion of his closest microbial friends — a close-knit, symbiotic community comprising several thousand species of bacteria, fungi, and protozoa. In a similarly collaborative fashion, all of Dave's writing is available for reuse and creative remix under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License. For attribution in printed material, his name (Dave Bonta) will suffice, but for web use, please link back to the original. Contact him for permission to waive the "share alike" provision (e.g. for use in a conventionally copyrighted work).

5 Comments


  1. I must find a purveyor of panic buttons. They will feature henceforth in all my cardigans.

    Reply

    1. The Wikipedia, as usual, has more than you possibly need to know about panic buttons, real and would-be-humorous:

      In pop culture, humorous variants of such a panic button also exist, such as a wearable button bearing only the word “PANIC” or an adhesive key, meant to look like a key for a computer keyboard, usually red, and also bearing only the word “PANIC”.

      Reply

      1. Actually, that’s brilliant. Old keyboard buttons repurposed as clothing fasteners – P, A, N, I and C. Everything I make shall, from now on, require five buttons. Scrabble tiles might do too.

        Reply

      2. Or, of course, D,O,N,’,T,P,A,N,I,C. But that requires two Ns and therefore two keyboards.

        Reply

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