How to drive

Keep both hands on the wheel at all times. The turn indicator may easily be operated with the chin.

Do your best to ignore the dashed yellow line in the middle of the road, which is transmitting subliminal messages in Morse code telling you to kill and kill again.

As an alternative to road rage, try merely counting coup.

Wool-gathering can be dangerous. Avoid distracted driving by coming to a full stop and gathering the whole sheep, presuming you can get a seatbelt around it.

Learn basic auto mechanics—not so you can fix cars, but so you can understand the lyrics of any American pop song written in the past 80 years.

Are you an asshole? Get an off-road vehicle!

Drive as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to drive forever.

Weaponize your fuzzy dice. Because you never know.

In thick fog, it can be nearly nearly impossible not to out-drive your stopping distance. Send a passenger out to patrol the road ahead of you on foot and fire flares at oncoming vehicles.

If you’re a hit-and-run driver, it’s considered poor taste to paint a human silhouette above the right front wheel for each of your victims.

Don’t confuse automatic drive with sex drive. You want manual transmission for that.

Most essential tasks can be performed without getting out of your car: withdrawing money from the bank, purchasing and eating food, falling asleep, screaming, defecating.

To make long trips more entertaining, get a CB radio to talk to truckers with and use the handle “fruit bat.”

Bumper stickers encourage tailgating. Instead, get a can of spray paint and say everything you need to say just as our paleolithic ancestors did: with aesthetically appealing and instantly comprehensible hand prints.

On two-lane roads, playing chicken is a good way to keep adrenalin levels topped up. Do not attempt to play it with Amish buggy-drivers, however, as their “nonresistance to evil” ethos makes them nearly unbeatable. Also, buggies can’t swerve.

Do not listen to polka music while driving, as the infectious, phat beats will have you tapping your feet—and “tapping” other cars—in no time!

You are under no obligation to obey road signs with flawed grammar. “Keep right”? No thanks, I prefer to share. “Watch children”? Only if they do something interesting.

If you want to drive someone crazy, pick up a self-taught preacher from Texas.

When putting the pedal to the metal, be sure to let it roar.

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Dave Bonta (bio) crowd-sources his problems by following his gut, which he shares with 100 trillion of his closest microbial friends — a close-knit, symbiotic community comprising several thousand species of bacteria, fungi, and protozoa. In a similarly collaborative fashion, all of Dave's writing is available for reuse and creative remix under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License. For attribution in printed material, his name (Dave Bonta) will suffice, but for web use, please link back to the original. Contact him for permission to waive the "share alike" provision (e.g. for use in a conventionally copyrighted work).

7 Comments


  1. No wise advice about driving along railway tracks?

    Reply

  2. Great fun. Have not chortled so much since your ‘rules on a church wall’ which is not the correct name so I can’t look it up. This one I will have the sense to save.

    Reply

      1. Thanks, Dave! That’s the one. Yay! I now have a collection of two.
        Instructions, rules, and warning labels are grist for great humor.

        Reply

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