The complaint department is now open

“It did not please him…” ~ D. Bonta

We assure you, the zipper that wouldn’t zip wasn’t mocking your mechanical skill set.

Unfortunately, mold can sometimes grow in a package supposedly vacuum-sealed at the factory. How many miles do you imagine it had to travel to get to your table in Foghorn, Alaska? And how do you know what was pressed next to it in that crowded grocery shelf?

There is some variance in general opinion with regard to the one minute rule, or the three minute rule. So it fell under the table. If it didn’t land in dog poop and the kid looks fine, you can probably stop screaming.

Let’s take a minute right here to go over what really upset you. First of all this young woman was nursing her baby under a tastefully printed shawl covering both her shoulders and bodice— Was it the ikat print that you couldn’t understand?

If you want to go ahead and throw the rest of the bottle in the trash, it’s up to you. But I have to let you know we won’t issue a refill until three days before your next schedule.

I’m sorry it wasn’t delivered to your apartment’s physical specifications, which we did not have at the time of order and purchase. Would you prefer to have the manager shot?

There are some things we can reassure you of: the warranty and warranty renewal plans typically expire the day before you experience a major product breakdown.

 

In response to Via Negativa: Faux pas.

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