Personals

Bored New Yorker – Sedementary rock seeks metamorphosis. Extremes of heat and/or pressure only. No smokers.
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GREETINGS FROM TURKMENISTAN – JHRWTCM I.S.O. GRTYF for NBATR and PUIIN. Friendship first. No smokers.
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Free to Good Home – Lickin’ stick. Needs coat of varnish. No smokers.
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Ready to have fun – Flesh-eating zombie, 41, 5’10”, brown/blue, 120 lbs. I.S.O. pretty much anyone. No smokers.
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Real Men Only Need Apply – SBF, 39, recovering Catholic. In search of Happy Meal. No transubstantiation, smokers.
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Lost – Disgruntled postal worker. Answers to name of Merle. Real friendly, except to smokers.
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STILL LOOKING 4 U – Prosecutor seeks violators. Murder, mayhem preferred. No smokers.
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Hopeless romantic – Big Brother: I love you. – Winston P.S.: Thank You For Not Smoking.
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Ready for new life – Failed suicide I.S.O. meaning, comfort in a cheerless world. I will turn your body into a life raft and hold on with a desperate but ultimately futile grip. No smokers.
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SWM For Ladies or Couples – Single guy, looking for no strings adult fun. Into bondage, discipline. No smokers, please.
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Mature blonde lady – High-level Washington administrator with energy to spare. Hobbies: camping, 4-wheeling, oil exploration in Arctic. Seeks teddy bear for ESA de-listing. No smokers.
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Frustrated – Where’s my duct tape? WHERE’S THE GODDAMNED W-D40? I can’t believe this shit!!! No smokers.

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Dave Bonta (bio) crowd-sources his problems by following his gut, which he shares with 100 trillion of his closest microbial friends — a close-knit, symbiotic community comprising several thousand species of bacteria, fungi, and protozoa. In a similarly collaborative fashion, all of Dave’s writing is available for reuse and creative remix under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License. For attribution in printed material, his name (Dave Bonta) will suffice, but for web use, please link back to the original. Contact him for permission to waive the “share alike” provision (e.g. for use in a conventionally copyrighted work).

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