In my dream, God was a jerk. I was a lawyer for the plaintiff: a man who had been crippled by a strange disease that turned him into a blue lizard. I hadn’t expected to talk to the big guy Himself, but I rose to the occasion. I suppose you know what I’m here for, I said. God had shapeshifted into a middle-aged, bearded white guy — an exact replica of myself, in fact. He imitated my every gesture like an obnoxious street mime. I began to lecture. Why don’t you act your age? Just as you have to obey the laws of physics, you’re not above ethics, either. He smirked. Homo sapiens is one species out of billions, a failed experiment, He said. But this universe — is it not also one of billions? I asked. Surely there must be other gods, then. If you’re not careful, one of them will hear our cries, come over here and kick your ass. He glowered. I took off down the stairs as fast as I could.

13 Replies to “Theodiocy”

  1. The end of this made me sputter with laughter, in my corner of the cafe. Trying to fake normal for a bit to put them all off the track again.

  2. Great story.

    “But this universe — is it not also one of billions? I asked.” Have you been reading Mr. Hawking’s latest book? The Grand Design. He argues that the multiplicity of universes, and the inevitability of ours, rules out any specialness that might necessitate a God. Or something like that.

  3. I like the story. Good luck with the running. If He is everywhere, He should be waiting for you just around the corner.

    1. Well, I don’t think this was the kind of deity who’s omnipresent. (But even in the Bible, we see a God who is obviously more present in some places — Mt. Sinai/Horeb/Zion, the ark — than others.)

  4. Hmmm … god looks a lot like you? Hmmmm …
    Thank you for your imaginative description of your dream offering a place for me to take off in imagining, writing about god.
    Grateful especially for your blog post and Ebert for leading me to theodiocy.

      1. Yes, love my dreams too. Wild, fascinating.
        Thanks for sharing yours, so descriptive and funny, intimate.

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