Memory of Doing

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
The memory of doing is the memory 
of exactitude broken up by lapses
in space. I relearn patience folding
pages into folios, making sure
the grain of paper runs in the same
direction. I stack them and prepare
to sew— concentrating as you push the needle
shaped like a smile into holes I've
made with an awl. Between breaths, the noise
of the world can seem to soften;
its edges waxed and cut into lengths like
linen thread. Someone filmed a rare
golden cicada in the moment it shrugged
itself loose from its shell,
and I marveled at such precision. Clean
seams, tiny beautiful ruffled wings.

Clocked

Sam Pepys and me

About three o’clock this morning I waked with the noise of the rayne, having never in my life heard a more violent shower; and then the catt was lockt in the chamber, and kept a great mewing, and leapt upon the bed, which made me I could not sleep a great while. Then to sleep, and about five o’clock rose, and up to my office, and about 8 o’clock went down to Deptford, and there with Mr. Davis did look over most of his stores; by the same token in the great storehouse, while Captain Badily was talking to us, one from a trap-door above let fall unawares a coyle of cable, that it was 10,000 to one it had not broke Captain Badily’s neck, it came so near him, but did him no hurt.
I went on with looking and informing myself of the stores with great delight, and having done there, I took boat home again and dined, and after dinner sent for some of my workmen and did scold at them so as I hope my work will be hastened.
Then by water to Westminster Hall, and there I hear that old Mr. Hales did lately die suddenly in an hour’s time. Here I met with Will Bowyer, and had a promise from him of a place to stand to-morrow at his house to see the show. Thence to my Lord’s, and thither sent for Mr. Creed, who came, and walked together talking about business, and then to his lodgings at Clerke’s, the confectioner’s, where he did give me a little banquet, and I had liked to have begged a parrot for my wife, but he hath put me in a way to get a better from Steventon; at Portsmouth. But I did get of him a draught of Tangier to take a copy by, which pleases me very well. So home by water and to my office, where late, and so home to bed.

the noise of life
locked into a clock

I am hurt with looking
for the light in my work

I hear a sudden hour’s little banquet
like a parrot in a well


Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Friday 22 August 1662.

Stirred

Sam Pepys and me

Up early, and to my office, and by and by we sat all the morning. At noon, though I was invited to my uncle Fenner’s to dinner to a haunch of venison I sent him yesterday, yet I did not go, but chose to go to Mr. Rawlinson’s, where my uncle Wight and my aunt, and some neighbour couples were at a very good venison pasty. Hither came, after we were set down, a most pretty young lady (only her hands were not white nor handsome), which pleased me well, and I found her to be sister to Mrs. Anne Wight that comes to my uncle Wight’s. We were good company, and had a very pretty dinner. And after dinner some talk, I with my aunt and this young lady about their being [at] Epsom, from whence they came to-day, and so home and to my office, and there doing business till past 9 at night, and so home and to bed. But though I drank no wine to-day, yet how easily was I of my own accord stirred up to desire my aunt and this pretty lady (for it was for her that I did it) to carry them to Greenwich and see the pleasure boats. But my aunt would not go, of which since I am much glad.

sat on my haunch
where my past hit me

you were not you
till nine at night
and I drank no wine

yet how easily stirred up
was that pleasure boat


Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Thursday 21 August 1662.

Hurricane Season Tankas

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
The wind speaks to trees.
Roads turn to rivers
and park benches drown.
We go about our lives
in this seaside town.

*

In the row of houses
by the university,
all week, a flurry:
sorority girls
strutting for TikToks.

*

They look unbothered
in their cowboy boots
and pink bodysuits.
They all hold their phones
aloft for selfies.

*

The tide was highest
on trash pickup day.
Imagine what floated
into the river—
or what will emerge.

*

We tried to recall
the times we fled town.
For sure, for Isabel.
We can't remember;
there were two others.

*

There's still milk and eggs
on grocery shelves.
This is still early—
the season is just
beginning. Days shorten.

*

Do we have Go Bags?
We talk about it.
Emergency status:
practically every
day, the heart thrashes.

The logic of dreams

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
 
is the logic of luck that everyone
insists isn't (though it is) the same as

a message sent by angels. The paper plane
flies in a dream fueled by fireflies, looking

for shadows of wings beneath the lake's
glass surface; and when it finds them,

it folds itself into a bud. We sink into that
lake many times throughout the day, hiding

from the heat of the sun or torrents of rain.
How can we not believe it exists? Spines

of trees curve toward their reflections
and are rewarded with increase. In this dream,

water is more than a tomb: more than need or
the history of all longings unmet under the moon.

Epistemologies of Language

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
I was listening to a program on NPR
while I cleaned my office, then coiled a string
of tiny winking bulbs attached to wire around

the lamp on my desk. Because it's a hand-
me-down from one of my daughters, the plastic
battery case is broken. I have to jiggle

one of them loose to turn the thing off.
On the radio, a Brazilian neuroscientist
was talking about experiments that show,

seemingly, how fish may experience pleasure
and even seek it out. There are fish engaged
in relationships of mutualism— "cleaner fish"

like bluestreak wrasses remove blood-
sucking parasites from other fish, enhancing
their clients' ability to survive while assuring

themselves of food. But other fish,
like the threadfin butterflyfish, come back
for a cleaning even if they harbor no parasites.

It's as if they might remember how it felt—
little tongues lighting up the white and
yellow chevrons down their backs.

Meanwhile, the fairy lights flickered.
I could have discarded them, but there's
something appealing in the idea

of preserving small things that barely
warm the room, much less the corner.
Perhaps I'm guilty of falling in love

with meaning that harbors metaphor,
in love with the promises language offers
though it might not guarantee their truth.

Suchness

Sam Pepys and me

Up early, and to my office, and thence to my Lord Sandwich, whom I found in bed, and he sent for me in. Among other talk, he do tell me that he hath put me into commission with a great many great persons in the business of Tangier, which is a very great honour to me, and may be of good concernment to me. By and by comes in Mr. Coventry to us, whom my Lord tells that he is also put into the commission, and that I am there, of which he said he was glad; and did tell my Lord that I was indeed the life of this office, and much more to my commendation beyond measure. And that, whereas before he did bear me respect for his sake, he do do it now much more for my own; which is a great blessing to me. Sir G. Carteret having told me what he did yesterday concerning his speaking to my Lord Chancellor about me. So that on all hands, by God’s blessing, I find myself a very rising man. By and by comes my Lord Peterborough in, with whom we talked a good while, and he is going tomorrow towards Tangier again. I perceive there is yet good hopes of peace with Guyland, which is of great concernment to Tangier. And many other things I heard which yet I understand not, and so cannot remember.
My Lord and Lord Peterborough going out to the Solicitor General about the drawing up of this Commission, I went to Westminster Hall with Mr. Moore, and there meeting Mr. Townsend, he would needs take me to Fleet Street, to one Mr. Barwell, squire sadler to the King, and there we and several other Wardrobe-men dined. We had a venison pasty, and other good plain and handsome dishes; the mistress of the house a pretty, well-carriaged woman, and a fine hand she hath; and her maid a pretty brown lass. But I do find my nature ready to run back to my old course of drinking wine and staying from my business, and yet, thank God, I was not fully contented with it, but did stay at little ease, and after dinner hastened home by water, and so to my office till late at night. In the evening Mr. Hayward came to me to advise with me about the business of the Chest, which I have now a mind to put in practice, though I know it will vex Sir W. Batten, which is one of the ends (God forgive me) that I have in it.
So home, and eat a bit, and to bed.

my mission becomes
the life beyond yes and no

the wing in the hand
of an evening bat


Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Wednesday 20 August 1662.

Uncle

Sam Pepys and me

Up betimes and to see how my work goes on. Then Mr. Creed came to me, and he and I walked an hour or two till 8 o’clock in the garden, speaking of our accounts one with another and then things public. Among other things he tells me that my Lord has put me into Commission with himself and many noblemen and others for Tangier, which, if it be, is not only great honour, but may be of profit too, and I am very glad of it.
By and by to sit at the office; and Mr. Coventry did tell us of the duell between Mr. Jermyn, nephew to my Lord St. Albans, and Colonel Giles Rawlins, the latter of whom is killed, and the first mortally wounded, as it is thought. They fought against Captain Thomas Howard, my Lord Carlisle’s brother, and another unknown; who, they say, had armour on that they could not be hurt, so that one of their swords went up to the hilt against it. They had horses ready, and are fled. But what is most strange, Howard sent one challenge, but they could not meet, and then another, and did meet yesterday at the old Pall Mall at St. James’s, and would not to the last tell Jermyn what the quarrel was; nor do any body know. The Court is much concerned in this fray, and I am glad of it; hoping that it will cause some good laws against it.
After sitting, Sir G. Carteret and I walked a good while in the garden, who told me that Sir W. Batten had made his complaint to him that some of us had a mind to do him a bad turn, but I do not see that Sir George is concerned for him at all, but rather against him. He professes all love to me, and did tell me how he had spoke of me to my Lord Chancellor, and that if my Lord Sandwich would ask my Lord Chancellor, he should know what he had said of me to him to my advantage, of which I am very glad, and do not doubt that all things will grow better and better every day for me.
Dined at home alone, then to my office, and there till late at night doing business, and so home, eat a bit, and to bed.

maybe I am nephew
to my wound

my hurt words are one
old quarrel-body

who told me to turn
all love to doubt

that I grow better
every day alone


Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Sunday 19 August 1662.

All or Nothing

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
There's alwalys someone who asks questions
like What's your favorite dessert or Who
is your favorite poet
or Who was your most
well-behaved child?
Once I read a story
in which two families shared everything—
I mean literally. Not just a household
but also their children, whose exact
parentage supposedly could not be known
or that they didn't care to know, since it
was OK with them— Shared beds, shared
partners, though not toothbrushes.
The reasoning was love is not like a pie
you can divide into parts, some larger
or smaller, goopy with filling or with
a flakier crust. It's just pie all the way
through. Can you love what you don't know
or what's yet to come as much as you
can love what's been thrust into your hands?
The implication might have to do with choice
or some notion of relativity. Or it might be
that you can't have a forest without trees;
you can't say I love only this part of you, and
only under certain conditions on certain days.

Timber lines

Sam Pepys and me

Up very early, and up upon my house to see how work goes on, which do please me very well. So about seven o’clock took horse and rode to Bowe, and there staid at the King’s Head, and eat a breakfast of eggs till Mr. Deane of Woolwich came to me, and he and I rid into Waltham Forest, and there we saw many trees of the King’s a-hewing; and he showed me the whole mystery of off square, wherein the King is abused in the timber that he buys, which I shall with much pleasure be able to correct. After we had been a good while in the wood, we rode to Illford, and there, while dinner was getting ready, he and I practised measuring of the tables and other things till I did understand measuring of timber and board very well. So to dinner and by and by, being sent for, comes Mr. Cooper, our officer in the Forest, and did give me an account of things there, and how the country is backward to come in with their carts. By and by comes one Mr. Marshall, of whom the King has many carriages for his timber, and they staid and drank with me, and while I am here, Sir W. Batten passed by in his coach, homewards from Colchester, where he had been seeing his son-in-law, Lemon, that lies a-dying, but I would take no notice of him, but let him go. By and by I got a horseback again and rode to Barking, and there saw the place where they ship this timber for Woolwich; and so Deane and I home again, and parted at Bowe, and I home just before a great showre of rayne, as God would have it.
I find Deane a pretty able man, and able to do the King service; but, I think, more out of envy to the rest of the officers of the yard, of whom he complains much, than true love, more than others, to the service. He would fain seem a modest man, and yet will commend his own work and skill, and vie with other persons, especially the Petts, but I let him alone to hear all he will say.
Whiled away the evening at my office trying to repeat the rules of measuring learnt this day, and so to bed with my mind very well pleased with this days work.

an egg in a tree showed me
the whole mystery of kin

in all good wood
we practice being forest

count backward
to pass homeward

dying more of love than skill
trying to repeat the days


Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Monday 18 August 1662.