Category: Satire and Farce

A sub-category of Humor previously titled The Fart Sutra.

Posted on by Dave Bonta

Click Language

common mullein

Married women in my area
want sex, you say, & I believe it.
Is this the hotshot stock alert
I’ve been waiting for? I could get
a laptop of my choice, on you,
or realize total & absolute power
& domination in bed. I am approved
for all loans, with no headaches,
no stomachaches, no come-down.
Your pills are soft & dissolvable
under the tongue. If I sign up
for help, I’ll be put into the hopper
for your daily cash giveaway.
Easy babes are looking to hook up.
I should not entertain any atom
of fear, as all required arrangements
have been made for the transfer,
but my response is needed.
If I want to be removed — &
sometimes I do — I can click
below. What have I done to deserve
so much consideration?

Posted on by Dave Bonta

Found object

What is a “blog”? In this paper, I will show that this is a question which is less easy to answer than many people think, at least those people who know what “blogs” are, which isn’t everybody. Most people think “blogging” is something that only started with the World-Wide Web, but Webster’s Dictionary tells a slightley different story.

Blog n [ME blaugh, fr. OF blaugget, doppelganger; chalk; a lead weight used to measure chalk] 1 : a chewy substance of emetic and expectorant properties, derived from a mixture of matzo, manioc, and diatomaceous earth 2 a : gases emitted by a swamp, bog, fen, or other stagnant wetland b : any similarly potent gaseous emission — blogacious, blogatile adj
vb blogged; blogging vi : to produce blog < who blogged? > vt : to subject a person or matter of topical interest to fresh blog < decided to ~ it>

So as you can see the word has been around the block for a while. Alot of places on the Web talk about “blog” comeing from “weblog”, but you can’t believe everything on line because people can put whatever they want to and their are no editorials. Also, it is a circular reason, if you think about it. The first people who stated “we blog” on computers, got the idea for that verb from somewhere else. Probably the dictionary. “Blog” cannot come from “we blog”, the Web pages that say that are irroneous.

Today you can see alot of “blogs” more than ten million, which is more than the wetlands that exist in America. But your average “blog” has onely two posts (post is what they call pages in a “blog”, which come down from the top of the page in the order posted). And no links except Google News and Link me. Links are how you find “blogs”, except for “blogs” that the owner does not want you to find, besides “Next Blog” on Blogger, if you click on it. They have names that are like the titles of books that you want to look into because the cover makes you think it will be cool, for example, Green Eggs and Spam. The authors write about their daily life and opinions, such as Tristam Shandy, only less wordy and with smileys.

Smileys are important to show the emotions, like when you say something sarcastic or just-kidding. They are not just the ones with a smile, but winks and angry too, besides alot more other ones. When people write comments they use smileys, that way if they don’t know each other its O.K. Comments go back and forth at the bottom of posts and is maybe the reason why they thought about “blog” comeing from we blog. But some “blogs” don’t allow comments, either.

Some “blogs” only write about politics and think they are reporters, in their underwear they say. Political “blogs” for the most part are concerned about Snark, like Lewis Carroll wrote about how it disappears when you get to close:

In the midst of the word he was trying to say,
In the midst of his laughter and glee,
He had softly and suddenly vanished away — –
For the Snark was a Boojum, you see.

Daily Kos and Boing-boing and Michelle Markin are the most popular “blogs” sites right now. Also Istapundit.

In conclusion, if you think you know what “blog” is, you can find a “blog” that is something else. MySpace and Live Journal, that some say isn’t “blogging” comes under the influence of Chat rooms and bulletin boards, but many “blogs” just have links and plagiarism from others, and you can’t see any smileys there. You should try it.

Posted on by Dave Bonta

Resolutions (take as many as you need)

Be it hereby resolved that:

  • the minutes are approved as amended
  • a thorough investigation will be launched into allegations of wrongdoing
  • Monday morning quarterbacks should be put into the game, starting Monday
  • my pa can whip your pa
  • the shortest distance between two points remains open to lines of any sexual orientation
  • I won’t come a-knockin’ if the trailer’s rockin’
  • a picture shall now be worth 3,759 words
  • the wicked will do wickedly (see Dan. 12:10)
  • “love” is not a four-letter word
  • wimpy, two-fingered air quotes shall be replaced by the secret devil sign
  • we should each create a space in our hectic, daily lives for more sustained exposure to commercial messages and self-destructive impulses
  • at ______, we build solutions
  • life will be made better
  • I will get down with my bad self
  • we will purge our closets of “Free Judith Miller” t-shirts, ballcaps and buttons
  • one good turn deserves another, unless otherwise indicated
  • I will henceforth seek truth from facts, and achieve the Four Modernizations
  • new leaves will be turned over at random and examined for illegal drugs or weapons
  • mistakes will be made
  • I will remain in beta
Posted on by Dave Bonta

Personals

Bored New Yorker – Sedementary rock seeks metamorphosis. Extremes of heat and/or pressure only. No smokers.
_____________

GREETINGS FROM TURKMENISTAN – JHRWTCM I.S.O. GRTYF for NBATR and PUIIN. Friendship first. No smokers.
_____________

Free to Good Home – Lickin’ stick. Needs coat of varnish. No smokers.
_____________

Ready to have fun – Flesh-eating zombie, 41, 5’10”, brown/blue, 120 lbs. I.S.O. pretty much anyone. No smokers.
_____________

Real Men Only Need Apply – SBF, 39, recovering Catholic. In search of Happy Meal. No transubstantiation, smokers.
_____________

Lost – Disgruntled postal worker. Answers to name of Merle. Real friendly, except to smokers.
_____________

STILL LOOKING 4 U – Prosecutor seeks violators. Murder, mayhem preferred. No smokers.
_____________

Hopeless romantic – Big Brother: I love you. – Winston P.S.: Thank You For Not Smoking.
_____________

Ready for new life – Failed suicide I.S.O. meaning, comfort in a cheerless world. I will turn your body into a life raft and hold on with a desperate but ultimately futile grip. No smokers.
_____________

SWM For Ladies or Couples – Single guy, looking for no strings adult fun. Into bondage, discipline. No smokers, please.
_____________

Mature blonde lady – High-level Washington administrator with energy to spare. Hobbies: camping, 4-wheeling, oil exploration in Arctic. Seeks teddy bear for ESA de-listing. No smokers.
_____________

Frustrated – Where’s my duct tape? WHERE’S THE GODDAMNED W-D40? I can’t believe this shit!!! No smokers.

Posted on by Dave Bonta

Chant for the Summit of the World Body

unaltered phrases from on-line news sources, via Google News

He wanted a real overhaul for the world body
An urgent overhaul of the world body
Poetically described the world body
A final text to move the world body
A harder line at the world body
Taking the message of Youth Upliftment to the world body
To breathe new life into the world body
To encourage and support the world body
To consider committing the world body
The Palestinians want the world body
President Bush called on the world body
The most sordid and shameful episode in the history of the world body
Washington’s relations with the world body
Would have been unthinkable for the world body
Admission into the world body
“Working methods” within the world body
Acceptance of help from the world body
A more strategic relationship with the world body
A particularly troubled time for the world body
Monday night among members of the world body
Committed to strengthening the world body
Enhancing the capacity of the world body
Reason enough to create the world body
The world body could take action
The world body has had past experiences
The world body is the prime instrument
The world body is possibly too democratic for its own good
The world body is supposed to print and oversee
A document enabling the world body
To undermine the effectiveness of the world body
It should have its own seat in the world body
A “Goodwill Ambassador” for the world body
Deviously appointed to the world body
A second-class citizen at the world body
Has yet to get approval from the world body
A horde of reforms for the world body
The Western Shoshone tribe has asked the world body
To tackle the problems facing the world body
Detrimental to the internal unity of the world body
World Rankings released by the world body
Findings that further tarnish the world body
Sweeping changes to the world body
What larger players have in mind for the world body
Taking Iran before the world body
The Islamic world in the world body
Endorsing the reshaping of the world body
Will also oblige the world body
To regain legitimacy for the world body
What future would await the world body?
The bleeding sometimes never seems to stop, according to the world body

Posted on by Dave Bonta

What happens

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Coyote says: We shit, as we dream – alone.

*

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Turkey says: We shit in an old chaos of the sun.

*


Deer says: Not love thy shit, nor hate; but what thou shit’st, shit well.

*

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Gray fox says: Only connect! Shit in fragments no longer.

*

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Horse says: No other penalty than to shit in desire without hope, a fate appropriate to noble souls with a clear vision of shit.

*

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Bear says: I went to the woods to shit deliberately.
___________

With apologies to Conrad, Stevens, Milton, E. M. Forster, Santayana and Thoreau.

Posted on by Dave Bonta

Religion Bestsellers of 2005

Jesus told me that the following titles will have dominion over the Publisher’s Weekly Religion Bestsellers list by year’s end.

1. Your Second Best Life Now: Seven More Steps to Living Your Full Potential

2. Baked Beans for the Soul

3. The Prayer of Jezebel: Breaking Into the Blessed Life

4. Thou Shalt: The Power of Positive Commandments

5. Left Behind: How to Spot a Godless Liberal From the Rear

6. My God Can Whup Your God

7. Driven By What’s Inside: Ancient Secrets of the Subaru

8. Never In Vain: Using the Lord’s Name to Heal Anger and Spread Righteousness

9. The Lost Gospel of O™

10. Sacred Heart: Spiritual Wisdom of the Aztecs

Posted on by Dave Bonta

Tyrannosaurus lex

Vocabulary for a New American Century

AMNEIZURE. A paroxysm brought on by the unexpected recurrence of suppressed memories. Example: “On being questioned about parallels with Vietnam, General Richard Myers experienced a sudden amneizure.”

CLAMDUNK. Jailing and/or fining reporters who refuse to divulge their sources.

DEBRIEFING. A slight sartorial adjustment made by most foreign nationals within a few minutes after leaving the Green Zone in Baghdad.

DISEMBEDOUINS. Nomadic journalists, often Arabs or disguised as Arabs, whose insufficient allegiance to any state makes them both feared and hated.

FALLUGE. Rapid descent of a slippery slope from military occupation to outright barbarism.

GREENHOUSE AFFECTATION. Pretending to care about global warming.

HYPOCRACY. A system of governance in which the rule of law only applies to suckers.

IMPURGENTS. CIA agents who refuse (or whose husbands refuse) to parrot the Bushite line, inviting a purge.

INSECURED AREAS. Sections of conquered cities that are “secured,” but remain full of resistance fighters.

MIDDLE CLASSIFICATION. A uniquely American way to eliminate poverty and social strife in two, easy steps: 1) Expand the definition of “middle class” to include all income groups below plutocrats, and 2) Give out “middle class tax cuts.”

PABULIATIVE. Pabulum designed to serve as a palliative. Accent is properly placed upon the third syllable.

PSYOPSY. Intense “cross-examination” of selected members of a body politic to try and determine the cause of their seemingly inexplicable unrest.

SELF-FULFILLING PROFLIGACY. A deliberate plan to run up huge deficits in order to bankrupt the U.S. Treasury, forcing massive cuts in every conceivable non-military program, with the ultimate purpose of disabusing Americans once and for all of the absurd and irresponsible notion that government spending can ever solve anything.

SINERGY. The tendency of two or more evils in apparent competition to form feedback loops, resulting in an evil far greater than the sum of its parts. Example: Al Qaeda and the Bush regime.

TERRIF. Steep costs extracted, usually in maimed and slaughtered civilians, for importing small numbers of foreign resistance fighters (“terrorists”).

YELLOW-DOG REPUBLICANS. Republicans who would vote for an administration full of chicken hawks over a Democrat. Interestingly, a great many of them appear to be the children or grandchildren of the equally loyal, faithful, obedient and wet-nosed Yellow-Dog Democrats of yore.

Posted on by Dave Bonta

Found poem

Cleland, a Democrat, had
some criticism for Chambliss.
“For Saxby Chambliss,
who got out of going to Vietnam
because of a trick
knee, to attack
John Kerry as weak
on the defense of our nation is like
a mackerel in the moonlight that
both shines and stinks,”
he said.

(from an AP article by Nedra Pickler)

Posted on by Dave Bonta

Poem Beginning with a Headline from the Weekly World News

Thank you, Jesus, for my plastic ears
& my raccoon penis bone necklace,
thank you for caring,
thank you for appetite more than meat.
Thank you for tire chains & groovy tattoos,
thank you for speechless joy,
thank you for guns & a world
full of targets. Thank you, Jesus,
for the evidence of things not seen:
for superstrings & wormholes,
for neutrinos,
for cans of whup-ass & tits on a boar hog.
Thanks for the train you rode in on & for
your scarf of stars. For whiskey
before breakfast & the strength not
to drink it. Thanks for yesterday’s soup,
three ways to whistle & cash
on the barrelhead. Thanks for Knock
& It Shall Be Opened, thanks for Cast
Thy Bread. And even though
you very likely had
little to do with it, thanks for this Thank you
that keeps on waking & walking
up & down, from room to room
in my belly
& in my breast.