Personals

Bored New Yorker – Sedementary rock seeks metamorphosis. Extremes of heat and/or pressure only. No smokers.
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GREETINGS FROM TURKMENISTAN – JHRWTCM I.S.O. GRTYF for NBATR and PUIIN. Friendship first. No smokers.
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Free to Good Home – Lickin’ stick. Needs coat of varnish. No smokers.
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Ready to have fun – Flesh-eating zombie, 41, 5’10”, brown/blue, 120 lbs. I.S.O. pretty much anyone. No smokers.
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Real Men Only Need Apply – SBF, 39, recovering Catholic. In search of Happy Meal. No transubstantiation, smokers.
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Lost – Disgruntled postal worker. Answers to name of Merle. Real friendly, except to smokers.
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STILL LOOKING 4 U – Prosecutor seeks violators. Murder, mayhem preferred. No smokers.
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Hopeless romantic – Big Brother: I love you. – Winston P.S.: Thank You For Not Smoking.
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Ready for new life – Failed suicide I.S.O. meaning, comfort in a cheerless world. I will turn your body into a life raft and hold on with a desperate but ultimately futile grip. No smokers.
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SWM For Ladies or Couples – Single guy, looking for no strings adult fun. Into bondage, discipline. No smokers, please.
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Mature blonde lady – High-level Washington administrator with energy to spare. Hobbies: camping, 4-wheeling, oil exploration in Arctic. Seeks teddy bear for ESA de-listing. No smokers.
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Frustrated – Where’s my duct tape? WHERE’S THE GODDAMNED W-D40? I can’t believe this shit!!! No smokers.

Chant for the Summit of the World Body

unaltered phrases from on-line news sources, via Google News

He wanted a real overhaul for the world body
An urgent overhaul of the world body
Poetically described the world body
A final text to move the world body
A harder line at the world body
Taking the message of Youth Upliftment to the world body
To breathe new life into the world body
To encourage and support the world body
To consider committing the world body
The Palestinians want the world body
President Bush called on the world body
The most sordid and shameful episode in the history of the world body
Washington’s relations with the world body
Would have been unthinkable for the world body
Admission into the world body
“Working methods” within the world body
Acceptance of help from the world body
A more strategic relationship with the world body
A particularly troubled time for the world body
Monday night among members of the world body
Committed to strengthening the world body
Enhancing the capacity of the world body
Reason enough to create the world body
The world body could take action
The world body has had past experiences
The world body is the prime instrument
The world body is possibly too democratic for its own good
The world body is supposed to print and oversee
A document enabling the world body
To undermine the effectiveness of the world body
It should have its own seat in the world body
A “Goodwill Ambassador” for the world body
Deviously appointed to the world body
A second-class citizen at the world body
Has yet to get approval from the world body
A horde of reforms for the world body
The Western Shoshone tribe has asked the world body
To tackle the problems facing the world body
Detrimental to the internal unity of the world body
World Rankings released by the world body
Findings that further tarnish the world body
Sweeping changes to the world body
What larger players have in mind for the world body
Taking Iran before the world body
The Islamic world in the world body
Endorsing the reshaping of the world body
Will also oblige the world body
To regain legitimacy for the world body
What future would await the world body?
The bleeding sometimes never seems to stop, according to the world body

What happens

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Coyote says: We shit, as we dream – alone.

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Turkey says: We shit in an old chaos of the sun.

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Deer says: Not love thy shit, nor hate; but what thou shit’st, shit well.

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Gray fox says: Only connect! Shit in fragments no longer.

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Horse says: No other penalty than to shit in desire without hope, a fate appropriate to noble souls with a clear vision of shit.

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Bear says: I went to the woods to shit deliberately.
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With apologies to Conrad, Stevens, Milton, E. M. Forster, Santayana and Thoreau.

Religion Bestsellers of 2005

Jesus told me that the following titles will have dominion over the Publisher’s Weekly Religion Bestsellers list by year’s end.

1. Your Second Best Life Now: Seven More Steps to Living Your Full Potential

2. Baked Beans for the Soul

3. The Prayer of Jezebel: Breaking Into the Blessed Life

4. Thou Shalt: The Power of Positive Commandments

5. Left Behind: How to Spot a Godless Liberal From the Rear

6. My God Can Whup Your God

7. Driven By What’s Inside: Ancient Secrets of the Subaru

8. Never In Vain: Using the Lord’s Name to Heal Anger and Spread Righteousness

9. The Lost Gospel of O™

10. Sacred Heart: Spiritual Wisdom of the Aztecs

Tyrannosaurus lex

Vocabulary for a New American Century

AMNEIZURE. A paroxysm brought on by the unexpected recurrence of suppressed memories. Example: “On being questioned about parallels with Vietnam, General Richard Myers experienced a sudden amneizure.

CLAMDUNK. Jailing and/or fining reporters who refuse to divulge their sources.

DEBRIEFING. A slight sartorial adjustment made by most foreign nationals within a few minutes after leaving the Green Zone in Baghdad.

DISEMBEDOUINS. Nomadic journalists, often Arabs or disguised as Arabs, whose insufficient allegiance to any state makes them both feared and hated.

FALLUGE. Rapid descent of a slippery slope from military occupation to outright barbarism.

GREENHOUSE AFFECTATION. Pretending to care about global warming.

HYPOCRACY. A system of governance in which the rule of law only applies to suckers.

IMPURGENTS. CIA agents who refuse (or whose husbands refuse) to parrot the Bushite line, inviting a purge.

INSECURED AREAS. Sections of conquered cities that are “secured,” but remain full of resistance fighters.

MIDDLE CLASSIFICATION. A uniquely American way to eliminate poverty and social strife in two, easy steps: 1) Expand the definition of “middle class” to include all income groups below plutocrats, and 2) Give out “middle class tax cuts.”

PABULIATIVE. Pabulum designed to serve as a palliative. Accent is properly placed upon the third syllable.

PSYOPSY. Intense “cross-examination” of selected members of a body politic to try and determine the cause of their seemingly inexplicable unrest.

SELF-FULFILLING PROFLIGACY. A deliberate plan to run up huge deficits in order to bankrupt the U.S. Treasury, forcing massive cuts in every conceivable non-military program, with the ultimate purpose of disabusing Americans once and for all of the absurd and irresponsible notion that government spending can ever solve anything.

SINERGY. The tendency of two or more evils in apparent competition to form feedback loops, resulting in an evil far greater than the sum of its parts. Example: Al Qaeda and the Bush regime.

TERRIF. Steep costs extracted, usually in maimed and slaughtered civilians, for importing small numbers of foreign resistance fighters (“terrorists”).

YELLOW-DOG REPUBLICANS. Republicans who would vote for an administration full of chicken hawks over a Democrat. Interestingly, a great many of them appear to be the children or grandchildren of the equally loyal, faithful, obedient and wet-nosed Yellow-Dog Democrats of yore.

Found poem

Cleland, a Democrat, had
some criticism for Chambliss.
“For Saxby Chambliss,
who got out of going to Vietnam
because of a trick
knee, to attack
John Kerry as weak
on the defense of our nation is like
a mackerel in the moonlight that
both shines and stinks,”
he said.

(from an AP article by Nedra Pickler)

Poem Beginning with a Headline from the Weekly World News

Thank you, Jesus, for my plastic ears
& my raccoon penis bone necklace,
thank you for caring,
thank you for appetite more than meat.
Thank you for tire chains & groovy tattoos,
thank you for speechless joy,
thank you for guns & a world
full of targets. Thank you, Jesus,
for the evidence of things not seen:
for superstrings & wormholes,
for neutrinos,
for cans of whup-ass & tits on a boar hog.
Thanks for the train you rode in on & for
your scarf of stars. For whiskey
before breakfast & the strength not
to drink it. Thanks for yesterday’s soup,
three ways to whistle & cash
on the barrelhead. Thanks for Knock
& It Shall Be Opened, thanks for Cast
Thy Bread. And even though
you very likely had
little to do with it, thanks for this Thank you
that keeps on waking & walking
up & down, from room to room
in my belly
& in my breast.