"Truth should sting, in its way,
like a major bee, not a sweat bee."
~ Diane Seuss
And so I can totally relate when I read
the transcript of an NPR feature on familial
estrangement my husband sends me. I too feel
blindsided. I still don't have a clear idea
about why exactly my eldest child won't talk
to me or to the rest of the family. No doubt
this is intentional. It doesn't feel like
a momentary tantrum. It's been months. No,
a year, more than a year. I'm not looking
for epiphanies. This is not a narrative
poem nor even a confession. As young people say
these days, It's not always about you. I'm not
even sure it's absolution I want or need. I've been
stung over and over, none of this
necessarily easier with time. Who are we kidding?
I doubt it, but perhaps I'm past the age of rue.
Rue, from the Greek root reuo, which means to set free
besides to regret. Whoever said Absence
makes the heart grow fonder is a charlatan of
the lowest order. I'm not interested in knowing blue
hyacinths, tulips, orchids, and lily of the valley
mean apology, but I can't not care. What
do I know anyway? I say sometimes; I'm only ___.
Unchurch
(Lord’s day). To church, where a stranger made a very good sermon. At noon Sir W. Pen and my good friend Dean Fuller, by appointment, and my wife’s brother by chance, dined with me very merry and handsomely. After dinner the Dean, my wife and I by Sir W. Pen’s coach left us, he to Whitehall, and my wife and I to visit Mrs. Pierce and thence Mrs. Turner, who continues very ill still, and The. is also fallen sick, which do trouble me for the poor mother. So home and to read, I being troubled to hear my wife rate though not without cause at her mayd Nell, who is a lazy slut.
So to prayers and to bed.
a church made by chance
with hands to sit on
fallen for the poor
and lazy prayer
Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Sunday 12 January 1661/62.
Nostos, Algos
Just like you, I too
pine after what I thought
I had, or used to have (as if
they were mine to have,
in the first place). But
it isn't uncommon, this desire
to look back anyway at the places
that have spit us out, perhaps
even said in so many ways Don't
come back or I want nothing more
to do with you. The Greeks said
nostos, meaning home; and algos,
meaning the pain and grief of
homesickness. In between the two
might be weather, or fighting, or leaving;
and before that, the crimson and green
leaves of poinsettia cutting the cold
northern air. I read the wrought
iron embossing on barbers' chairs, gold-
brushed, where my father went for shaves
and haircuts— Koken, 1901, St. Louis,
U.S.A.— and knew they too
would furnish the interiors of my nostalgia,
years before I moved away. The floors
there are sticky with red carnauba paste wax,
buffed to a high shine with half
a coconut shell; and the old rooms carry
a whiff of naphthalene, violets, and
eucalyptus pastilles. I have no letters
held together with a bit of ribbon
or old lace, and whatever pictures there were
have turned to ash in fire. I only have
what I have now, which is flimsy and
not a lot. Sometimes, French
medical manuals from the 1700s described
languishing soldiers; how nostalgie
could be as fatal as a wound. It is winter
where I am, and on the other coast
fires burn everything in their path. What
do we own, what do we carry but
a catalogue of what we think we have and
the enormity of what we no longer have.
No retreat
My brother Tom came to me, and he and I to Mr. Turner the Draper’s, and paid 15l. to him for cloth owing to him by my father for his mourning for my uncle, and so to his house, and there invited all the Honiwood’s to dinner on Monday next. So to the Exchange, and there all the news is of the French and Dutch joyning against us; but I do not think it yet true. So home to dinner, and in the afternoon to the office, and so to Sir W. Batten’s, where in discourse I heard the custom of the election of the Dukes of Genoa, who for two years are every day attended in the greatest state; and four or five hundred men always waiting upon him as a king; and when the two years are out, and another is chose, a messenger is, sent to him, who stands at the bottom of the stairs, and he at the top, and says, “Va. Illustrissima Serenita sta finita, et puede andar en casa.” — “Your serenity is now ended; and now you may be going home,” and so claps on his hat. And the old Duke (having by custom sent his goods home before), walks away, it may be but with one man at his heels; and the new one brought immediately in his room, in the greatest state in the world. Another account was told us, how in the Dukedom of Ragusa, in the Adriatique (a State that is little, but more ancient, they say, than Venice, and is called the mother of Venice, and the Turks lie round about it), that they change all the officers of their guard, for fear of conspiracy, every twenty-four hours, so that nobody knows who shall be captain of the guard to-night; but two men come to a man, and lay hold of him as a prisoner, and carry him to the place; and there he hath the keys of the garrison given him, and he presently issues his orders for that night’s watch: and so always from night to night. Sir Wm. Rider told the first of his own knowledge; and both he and Sir W. Batten confirm the last.
Hence home and to read, and so to bed, but very late again.
in the woods the news
is not yet true
five hundred years stand
at the bottom of your serenity
you may go home
but a room is little more
than a prison and a key
firm as a bed
Erasure haiku derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Saturday 11 January 1661/62.
If I write about the past
"See what a comma can do?" ~ Diane Seuss
If I write about the past
as I often (I always) do,
whether or not I intend a narrative,
narrative is inferred, and in this way
not even any number of pauses (lyrical
or grammatical) can dispel the myth
of connection, a tissue that persists
through the muscular roadway of anecdotes
littered with random facts, the colored
fog of feeling and the leap from event
to causation isn't my doing but just
the way the mind does its thing, so if A
and B are next to C it doesn't matter
they're discrete, that time in 1965
and that other time in 1980 and
yesterday the tune that came on
when I turned on the car radio,
no, not the one I imagined I wanted
played at my funeral though I once
thought I knew, so I guess it's not
all up to me that the story of a story
persists, though here we all are
making it up as we go along—
Diet
To White Hall, and there spoke with Sir Paul Neale about a mathematical request of my Lord’s to him, which I did deliver to him, and he promised to employ somebody to answer it, something about observation of the moon and stars, but what I did not mind. Here I met with Mr. Moore, who tells me that an injuncon is granted in Chancery against T. Trice, at which I was very glad, being before in some trouble for it. With him to Westminster Hall, where I walked till noon talking with one or other, and so to the Wardrobe to dinner, where tired with Mr. Pickering’s company I returned to Westminster, by appointment, to meet my wife at Mrs. Hunt’s to gossip with her, which we did alone, and were very merry, and did give her a cup and spoon for my wife’s god-child, and so home by coach, and I late reading in my chamber and then to bed, my wife being angry that I keep the house so late up.
the mathematical
body of the moon
in one sip
with a spoon
Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Friday 10 January 1661/62.
Reactive
At the office all the morning private with Sir G. Carteret (who I expected something from about yesterday’s business, but he said nothing), Sir W. Batten, and Sir W. Pen, about drawing up an answer to several demands of my Lord Treasurer, and late at it till 2 o’clock. Then to dinner, and my wife to Sir W. Pen’s, and so to the office again and sat till late; and so home, where I found Mr. Armiger below talking with my wife, but being offended with him for his leaving of my brother Tom I shewed him no countenance, but did take notice of it to him plainly, and I perceive he was troubled at it, but I am glad I told him of it. Then (when he was gone) up to write several letters by the post, and so to set my papers and things in order, and to bed. This morning we agreed upon some things to answer to the Duke about the practice of striking of the flags, which will now put me upon finishing my resolution of writing something upon the subject.
I answer my clock
my talk is a tic
I answer the flag
in writing
Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Thursday 9 January 1661/62.
Epistle of Illuminated Shards
At the farthest end of the kaleidoscope,
prisms tilt toward each other at an angle.
This is one way a few gathered shards
multiply: along the river walk, ten
tall cypress trees become twenty
tall cypress trees, vivid green
mirrored in water. Like secret histories,
an infinity of patterns expands with each
rotation. Fractals of ice, tendrils
of fire; letters of unknown alphabets
resembling their plain selves before
receding again into mystery. There doesn't
seem to be an end to what light can do,
even with all these broken pieces.
Snow Day

whither the snows of yesteryear
if not in this very weather
stand under a conifer’s fur
and begin to understand
absence prickling in the nose
no good or bad scents
furrows drift over as if
the storm were a harrow
aches forgotten i’m agog
at snow falling through oaks
inevitable snowflakes in my tea
taste of the ineffable
Miner
I rose and went to Westminster Hall, and there walked up and down upon several businesses, and among others I met with Sir W. Pen, who told me that he had this morning heard Sir G. Carteret extremely angry against my man Will that he is every other day with the Commissioners of Parliament at Westminster, and that his uncle was a rogue, and that he did tell his uncle every thing that passes at the office, and Sir William, though he loves the lad, did advise me to part with him, which did with this surprise mightily trouble me, though I was already angry with him, and so to the Wardrobe by water, and all the way did examine Will about the business, but did not tell him upon what score, but I find that the poor lad do suspect something. To dinner with my Lady, and after dinner talked long with her, and so home, and to Sir W. Batten’s, and sat and talked with him, and so home troubled in mind, and so up to my study and read the two treaties before Mr. Selden’s “Mare Clausum,” and so to bed. This night come about 100l. from Brampton by carrier to me, in holsters from my father, which made me laugh.
this morning I miss
everything that passes
though love is the mine
not the ore
Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Wednesday 8 January 1661/62.

