Dear Emily, I was glad to hear about your new incarnation as an advice columnist. I’m confused.
If I turned over a new leaf, would I stay just as green?
If I look on the bright side, won’t I need shades?
If I just do it, can I get out of having to think?
If I’m to be neither a borrower nor a lender, shouldn’t I in good conscience cease to breathe?
If I gave a hundred and ten percent, could I get it all back in deductions?
If I follow someone else’s advice to reinvent myself, who owns the intellectual property rights?
If I’m learning to express my sexuality, and I accidentally get in touch with my inner child, does that make me a pedophile?
If I prioritize personal growth, can I write off my blighted urban core?
If I seize the day, can I still get a good night’s sleep?
If I cast my bread upon the waters, am I free to piss in the wind?
If I could truly “be here, now,” would I forget how to curse?
If I let the scales fall from my eyes, how would I see my way in a world of snakes?
Most of all, I wonder: If I help myself, can I still expect a second helping?
Any light you could shed on these matters would be much appreciated. Sign me…
Differently Clued in Pennsylvania
Thanks to Abdul-Walid for forwarding the link.