Self help

Dear Emily, I was glad to hear about your new incarnation as an advice columnist. I’m confused.

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If I turned over a new leaf, would I stay just as green?

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If I look on the bright side, won’t I need shades?

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If I just do it, can I get out of having to think?

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If I’m to be neither a borrower nor a lender, shouldn’t I in good conscience cease to breathe?

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If I gave a hundred and ten percent, could I get it all back in deductions?

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If I follow someone else’s advice to reinvent myself, who owns the intellectual property rights?

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If I’m learning to express my sexuality, and I accidentally get in touch with my inner child, does that make me a pedophile?

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If I prioritize personal growth, can I write off my blighted urban core?

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If I seize the day, can I still get a good night’s sleep?

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If I cast my bread upon the waters, am I free to piss in the wind?

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If I could truly “be here, now,” would I forget how to curse?

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If I let the scales fall from my eyes, how would I see my way in a world of snakes?

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Most of all, I wonder: If I help myself, can I still expect a second helping?

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Any light you could shed on these matters would be much appreciated. Sign me…

Differently Clued in Pennsylvania
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Thanks to Abdul-Walid for forwarding the link.

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