Infinite regression tree
Like most people, I suppose, we have at least a dozen miniature Christmas trees in our collection of Christmas tree ornaments. The infinite regression tree takes this a step further: not only is every ornament is a tree, but each is covered with onaments that are themselves trees, and so on down to the molecular level. Going in the other direction, are we not each but ornaments on the branches of the world tree, Yggdrasil?
Twitter tree
Bird-themed trees are a relative commonplace, but what if each bird were actually one of the burgeoning number of cutesy icons for Twitter which, when squeezed, uttered brief inanities?
Ancestral tree
In this variation on the popular gingerbread person theme, each ornament is a human ancestor, starting with the ancient arboreal primate ancestors in the top branches and ending with modern humans on the bottom limbs, looking overweight, out of breath, and not sure how the hell they’re going to get down. Instead of gingerbread, use potted meat product baked to a uniform and delicious crispness.
Braintree
Pretty in pink, this favorite of Massachusetts residents celebrates their proud intellectual heritage, now sadly squandered on Tea Party politicians and the walking dead.
Toiletree
You might be wondering what toilets have to do with Christmas. Well, the flush toilet is the 21st-century answer to the chimney in days of yore: the one physical connection every residence has with the cosmos. I am not necessarily suggesting anything about Santa, here — but ask the Catalonians what the hell a cagador is doing at the Nativity. And then there’s the magical pooping log…
Free tree
The tree itself and everything on it comes either from your local Freecycle group or the free stuff section of Craigslist. When Christmas is over, box the tree up and send it to a needy child in some insufficiently developed part of the world where they don’t know it’s not Christmas.
Security tree
This looks exactly like your regular family Christmas tree, except that every one of your funky old ornaments has been retrofitted with a hidden security camera, all of them connected via 3G wireless to police headquarters. Why take a chance with fire, choking hazards, potential child abuse from drunk relatives, illicit drug use or subversive gifts? Make this your safest holiday ever with a tree so security conscious, you won’t need to buy your children a single snuggly stuffed animal.
Decision tree
Every branch on this tree symbolizes a potential life choice. Decorate with slightly altered replicas of the universe.
Green tree
For the environmental zealot, this “living tree” comes complete with symbiotic fungal and bacterial partners capable of converting soil minerals into a useable form and helping with the uptake of water, in exchange for energy harvested directly from sunlight! This amazing source of “green” energy not only doesn’t contribute to greenhouse gas emissions, but actually deploys a unique carbon-capture process to help clean the atmosphere, and becomes more efficient with age. The catch is that this tree cannot be brought into the living room. But on holidays with as much over-indulgence as Christmas, Lord knows we could all use a little walk.
Don’t forget to submit to the Festival of the Trees by December 30 and help us inaugurate the International Year of Forests on January 1!
