How to sit

This entry is part 30 of 39 in the series Manual


Bend in two places. Ready yourself for the first origami fold.

When choosing a seat, remember: comfort is important. Don’t stint on the gluteal implants.

Get off your high horse and have it shot.

Sit on the earth like a bird brooding an enormous egg. Don’t be surprised if it takes a while to hatch.

Donate your wings to a soup kitchen for Wing Night Wednesday.

Why be normal? Straddle a chair backwards, you rebel you.

Wait until your number is called. Requests to be buried in a sitting position are usually honored.

Before accepting an endowed chair, make sure it isn’t too well endowed. That could get uncomfortable.

Seat belts are for cowards, and also for people riding in automobiles.

Rocking chairs are passé. Find a chair that throbs.

If the ground is rocky or uneven, simply levitate.

Let your legs atrophy like Daruma. Put the fun back in fundament.

Refuse to meditate for only three bowls of rice a day. Join a sit-down strike for some decent drugs.

Contrary to popular opinion, shutting the fuck up is not an inevitable consequence of sitting your ass down.

If you’re visiting the equator, sit down very carefully. The earth is spinning at 1,038 miles per hour!

Let sleeping kundalinis lie. Just between you and me, the subtle winds from the root chakra smell like shit.

Just sit. Sit! Good boy.

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Dave Bonta (bio) crowd-sources his problems by following his gut, which he shares with 100 trillion of his closest microbial friends — a close-knit, symbiotic community comprising several thousand species of bacteria, fungi, and protozoa. In a similarly collaborative fashion, all of Dave’s writing is available for reuse and creative remix under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License. For attribution in printed material, his name (Dave Bonta) will suffice, but for web use, please link back to the original. Contact him for permission to waive the “share alike” provision (e.g. for use in a conventionally copyrighted work).

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