Problems with “if”

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Show your work.

If a human being dies in the city, and there’s no tree to absorb its dying breath, does it make a death rattle?

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If love is blind, why don’t blind people wear see-through lingerie?

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If you can keep your head in brine for a fortnight, will it stop the voices?

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If they toss a coin and neither team calls it, does everyone get to go home?

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If you love somebody, set them free. If they don’t come back, set yourself free. If you don’t come back, can I still crash in your garage?

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If wishes were horses, could dead wishes be rendered into enough glue to stick all the broken dreams back together?

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If every dog has its day and every day is the first day of the rest of your life, does this necessarily imply that you should spend the rest of your life sniffing crotches?

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If a pound of feathers weighs as much as a pound of lead, and if clocks had feather pendulums, would time still fly?

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If at first you don’t succeed, and you know that your chance of success on each subsequent try remains completely unaffected by that outcome, wouldn’t it make more sense to spend your last lucky penny on a gumdrop?

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If a module met a unit coming through the rye, would anyone sing about it?

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If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me for a quarter, how many quarters would I have to give away before I had enough money to endow a chair in Applied Autopoiesis?

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If homeless mimes inhabit invisible rooms, how do you know where to wipe your feet?

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If you never had second thoughts, and you were traveling at the speed of light, how would you be able to tell yourself apart from God?

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If I had my way, to whom would I give it back when I was done with it?

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If there really were One True Way, how many turning lanes would it have to have?

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If a hundred monkeys typed at a hundred typewriters, and only one key worked on each typewriter, how long would it take them to use up all the paper?

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If you’re lost in the rain in Juarez, and it’s not a Bob Dylan song, either, and the raindrops keep falling farther apart, but you decide to walk more quickly, do you still get just as wet?

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If x=2, doesn’t that take all the fun out of it?

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If you had one match, a cup of water, a mirror, a pair of chopsticks and a stopwatch, how long would it take it you to think up a conundrum that involved all these things and nothing extra?

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If two cannibals fell in love with the same woman, couldn’t they just eat each other’s heart out?

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If carrots help you see in the dark, do eggplants help you see underwater?

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If Fate and Opportunity both knocked on wood at the same time, what would it sound like from underneath the table?

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If I were you, wouldn’t that be weird?

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Dave Bonta (bio) crowd-sources his problems by following his gut, which he shares with 100 trillion of his closest microbial friends — a close-knit, symbiotic community comprising several thousand species of bacteria, fungi, and protozoa. In a similarly collaborative fashion, all of Dave’s writing is available for reuse and creative remix under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License. For attribution in printed material, his name (Dave Bonta) will suffice, but for web use, please link back to the original. Contact him for permission to waive the “share alike” provision (e.g. for use in a conventionally copyrighted work).

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