The person of interest – not yet a suspect – has a slate-gray suitcase and a story full of holes. The person of interest is nobody you know. The person of interest has been known to express sympathy toward the enemies of the United States, to participate in assorted protests and boycotts, to eat falafel, to beg to differ, and to compare the private ownership of land with slavery. The person of interest goes for slow, apparently random drives in the country, taking numerous pictures of public infrastructure and commercial messages.
The person of interest, though a native-born citizen of the United States, has repeatedly expressed interest in “getting the fuck out of here,” with socialist countries such as Sweden, Canada and Moominland most often cited as desirable locations. The person of interest listens to public radio without ever becoming a member. The person of interest sometimes dresses in black and runs barefoot through the woods.
Last Tuesday, the person of interest discussed world affairs with an accomplice for about twenty-five minutes without a single mention of the War on Terror™. The person of interest is a regular user of the World Wide Web, viewing and contributing to little-read, heavily inter-linked “blog” sites in preference to more typical internet destinations such as E-bay, naked or nude xxx celebrities and Texas Hold’em. Though not yet a suspect, the person of interest is suspected of involvement in [REDACTED] and [REDACTED], “Old Faithful,” [REDACTED], Egyptian lentils – [REDACTED PARAGRAPH] chemical fertilizer as “a disaster waiting to happen.”
The person of interest is said to have a smooth, hairless spot the size of a silver dollar on his or her left buttock, though we have not yet been able to confirm this. The person of interest is not considered a candidate for special rendition at this time, though advocacy of ecoterrorist acts involving criminal trespass, as well as persistent defamation of the American Beef Council, may eventually lead to detention as an enemy combatant in order to protect the public and safeguard the Constitution from abuse as a cover for openly seditious acts. Worst of all, the person of interest has sought classified information under the Freedom of Information Act…
UPDATE: For those who might think I exaggerated a little about government surveillance, listen to this report.