How to distress furniture

Bang on it with sticks, but fail to keep the beat. Wrap it in chains but evince no erotic interest in it whatsoever. Let mice rummage through its drawers or nest in its box spring, and recoil at the suggestion that you might leave your own bite-marks on its legs. Paint it absentmindedly while humming some recent and forgettable pop tune. Sand against the grain. Be in your 20s, and talk on and on about how ageing confers authenticity. Take photos of each step of the operation and post them on your blog for everyone to see. Thereafter, use it solely as a surface on which to stack empty boxes. Turn it to the wall. Replace it after three years with some cheap thing from Ikea.

Series Navigation← How to find things (videopoem)How to meditate →

One Reply to “How to distress furniture”

  1. Dave,
    Have just done some reupholstering of our dinner table chairs. Voila. I think I did these things exactly as you suggested would distress furniture. Not only furniture, D. Yup. Wife says have to save my allowances for IKEA replacements. (Agreed readily. Did a horrifying job!) LOL (:—P) and sob… :–( Thanks for the reminder, I think.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.