What I Was Taught, Growing Up

Remember when you leave the room, 
you off the light. You also off the TV.
The milk in the ref is bad now. 
But if you keep drinking coffee you will stop growing.
Don't eat so much ice cream. You will always catch colds.
I don't know why you call it pins and needles.
I am not a pin's cushion.
When there is that feeling in my feet
it is the devil squeezing.
The way to cure it is to spit on your finger
and make the sign of the cross on top of it.
Then the devil freezes. He cannot move.
If you are eating and I have to leave the house,
you must turn your plate to the right
and again to the right. Make a complete circle.
Like you are driving a car. 
That way I won't meet an accident.
I will teach you how to measure a cloth
to make sure it fits you 
without going in the fitting room.. 
You take the waist, one in each hand, 
and fold it around your neck, 
like you are choking yourself 
but not really choking. 
It will fit well, you will see. 
You have to thank me that I did not eat 
many eggplants when you were 
in my stomach. See, your pwet is smooth 
and has no shadow, no dark blue color.
See that moth on the orchid plant?
Don't sneeze. That is your dead
grandfather coming to visit.