Drunkest Guy Ever Goes For More Beer

The anonymous YouTube folk hero speaks out

The security cameras only catch
one side of the story. Notice how they stick
at the 38-second mark, keep me standing
still as a parking meter for long seconds
only to skip
faster than light to the far wall
& its chorus line of coolers.

Just because you’re looking down
doesn’t make you omniscient.
What appears to the straight-laced
like a shopping trip gone awry
was really a pas de deux
with some wild weather.
True, I am loose as a flag
flailing around its pole,
buffeted by winds you barely feel.
But drinking is an escape into the open.
I round an aisle or pull on a door handle
& the cross-wind catches me;
I try to walk like a sober person & I go down.

And there on my fundament
I begin again,
exploring the deep
contingencies of consciousness
with all four limbs at once,
supple as a newborn.
Luck — as the madman
of Chu told Confucius —
is lighter than a feather,
but no one knows how to bear its weight.
Be it a 12-pack or a bowl of candy,
as long as I cling I’m anchored
to the spot.

But in the end, in the part that got cut
from all your amusing remixes,
when I let go & just sit for a minute,
my body remembers on its own
how to evade the world’s
persistent embrace
& I rise & walk.

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Dave Bonta (bio) crowd-sources his problems by following his gut, which he shares with 100 trillion of his closest microbial friends — a close-knit, symbiotic community comprising several thousand species of bacteria, fungi, and protozoa. In a similarly collaborative fashion, all of Dave’s writing is available for reuse and creative remix under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License. For attribution in printed material, his name (Dave Bonta) will suffice, but for web use, please link back to the original. Contact him for permission to waive the “share alike” provision (e.g. for use in a conventionally copyrighted work).

13 Comments


  1. You are a man of profound sympathies.

    “As long as I cling I’m anchored to the spot.” Yes indeed.

    Reply

    1. More like profound jealousies. It’s been years since I’ve been that drunk, and once in a while I do miss it. This poem arose from that wistfulness… and the desire to blog a funny link without just saying, “Hey, check out how wasted this dude is!”

      Reply

  2. Brilliant: all four limbs at once. (I am exuberantly, and somewhat drunkenly, appreciative, appropriately.)

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  3. It is indeed both a brilliant and sympathetic piece, Dave, which is more than one can say for the comic remixes. That poor fellow! Those uninitiated or not nearly so well versed in the pas de deux of drink can certainly relate to the wind metaphor of imbalance and the supple newborn finding his sea legs. Others will no doubt relate only too well.

    Reply

    1. Thanks. I guess i was in the latter camp, though I don’t think I’ve ever lost physical control quite to that extent. Well, maybe once or twice.

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  4. “…drinking is an escape into the open..” Yes, indeed.

    Reply

  5. This had me laughing out loud, Dave.

    I’m not sure that’s an appropriate response to your poem, but I didn’t laugh nearly as hard at the YouTube video.

    Reply

    1. It’s a completely appropriate reaction! I’m tickled to hear it. Sure, I am almost serious on some of the points, but it was supposed to be funny, too.

      Reply

  6. “under the influence” …the influence, the buzz, not a bad thing. We need a new phrase for this kind of result. under complete persuasion? near surrender?

    Reply

  7. at least you thought you could walk when you were upright.
    next time try it on crutches. i did. thanks for the good laugh , you are not alone.

    Reply

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