On Uncertainty

“Even now, I don’t know much/ about happiness.” ~ Ada Limón

Numbness in the toe persisted; so, having terrified
myself by looking online at all the worst case
scenarios, I gave in and visited the doctor. She
activated a button on a stainless steel wand and set it
atop my foot, and asked if I could feel the vibration.
Next she asked me to close my eyes as she grasped
my big toe and bent it this way and that: up or down?
down or up? down or sideways? I think I did well,
or she didn’t really say— but sent the tech with vials
and syringes for drawing blood. Make a fist, he said;
and after: relax. I thought, isn’t it always like that,
swinging from one constriction to another? Suspension
in that time of balling up before release. Everything
burrowing into itself until the sense of danger passes.

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