25 Random Things About Me

If there’s anyone in all of Facebonk who has yet to do this so-called meme, I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t like doing things that everyone is doing until no one is doing them anymore. That way if I can’t be original, at least I can be retro chic.

  1. I have the head of a rat, the tail of a snake, and the body of a lawnmower.
  2. I am the direct descendent of the lost tribes of Friesland, who were quickly found again after a perfunctory search of the premises.
  3. My favorite philosopher weighs fifteen pounds and lives behind the furnace.
  4. I like sandwiches better than life itself.
  5. When words fail me, I have them fed to the geese.
  6. I channel a mute spirit with autism. Let’s just say that channelling isn’t either of our idea of a good time.
  7. Whenever I can’t sleep, I recite acronyms to myself. I always nod off in the middle of a C.
  8. When I was six, I grew a third penis in the middle of my forehead.
  9. The internet changed my life! I forget the details.
  10. Cardboard is my middle name.
  11. My favorite color is not in the visible spectrum. It’s shy.
  12. Angels disgust me.
  13. At 18 I was a drug mule, the offspring of a drug horse and a drug donkey.
  14. I shot the sheriff.
  15. Nobody can tell when I’m blushing with this goalie mask on.
  16. I have never actually dated a sheep.
  17. I believe that children are the future — at least for embryos. For the rest of us, old age and death seem more likely.
  18. I know Jack shit, but only in passing. It’s not like we’re friends on Facebonk.
  19. There’s a dog-shaped hole in my heart. Or at least I think it’s a dog. It could be a coyote.
  20. When not fighting crime, I use my powers for morally ambiguous purposes.
  21. I am music, and I write the songs.
  22. When I was your age, I was grateful just to be unemployed.
  23. Everything I need to know I learned from studying prestressed concrete.
  24. I’m not wearing any lederhosen.
  25. If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution. And believe me, I can’t dance.
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Dave Bonta (bio) crowd-sources his problems by following his gut, which he shares with 100 trillion of his closest microbial friends — a close-knit, symbiotic community comprising several thousand species of bacteria, fungi, and protozoa. In a similarly collaborative fashion, all of Dave’s writing is available for reuse and creative remix under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License. For attribution in printed material, his name (Dave Bonta) will suffice, but for web use, please link back to the original. Contact him for permission to waive the “share alike” provision (e.g. for use in a conventionally copyrighted work).

22 Comments


  1. Fun. These are always fun.

    Do you collect these items in manila folders for weeks before posting, as I suppose? Because if you came up with this post in less than, say, two hours, I’d have to rethink my notions of what a human mind is capable of.

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  2. Jeez… and here I was hoping for some insight into the *real* Dave.

    ;-)

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  3. Ha. I knew when I saw the title on my Via Negativa feed that it would be unlike any other 25 Random things meme. Number 13 made me guffaw, I haven’t guffawed in a while.

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  4. Rana, Clare – Glad you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

    Peter – Sorry, no, I did write this in just over two hours, interrupted by supper. It seems to me I used to blog more stuff like this, in VN’s first three years…

    Laura – You want more reality? I’d have thought you already get rather too much of it on your job. :) And actually, a few of these are true, you know. Or almost true.

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  5. “I am the direct descendent of the lost tribes of Friesland”

    Ah, the “a” at the end of Bonta should have been my clue. Assuming #2 has a grain of truth in it.

    Why do so many Frisians go back to the land? I swear there’s something genetic to it. Though some of us never quite get there.

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  6. Thanks, Nathan!

    John – Yep. We’re descended from the Frisian Bantas, not the Italian Bontas. A distant ancestor, finding himself surrounded by English-speaking colonists, changed the spelling to preserve the correct pronunciation. I’m told that “banta” in Frisian meant spotted, mottled, or piebald. I hadn’t noticed any particular pattern in the response of Frisian-descended folks to nature, but maybe you’re right. I did browse the photoset of a Dutch friend who vacationed in Friesland two years ago, and damn – it’s bleak!

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  7. “vacationed in Friesland two years ago, and damn – it’s bleak!”

    No, not at all. It’s … pastoral.

    Honestly, Friesland was a wonderful experience. Quiet, fields, cows, water, peace. If you like that sort of thing. Likely you have not made your way to Prince Edward Island in Canada, but it is a similar experience. In my best state of mind, I live in Friesland.

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  8. I stand corrected. My mother just reminded me that I’ve seen her and Dad’s slides from Friesland, too. I guess the photoset I mentioned featured only the northern tip.

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  9. FINALLY – Dave’s 25 Random Things. If only if they were earnest. :) I am happy to hear no. 22.

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  10. Tammy – That one was in earnest. Employment has a way of seriously interfering with work.

    arvind – Beaten by Shakespeare! Well, I guess I can live with that.

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  11. Oh, the addition of the photo is perfect. You can’t even see the appendage on your forehead.

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  12. This deserves my favorite saying: “Fuc* me to tears.”

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  13. Yes, Dave is a genius. And #6 damn near made me piss myself laughing.

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  14. #11 is touching, I agree with #12, and #19 is, well, quintessential mind-of-Dave. No way am I doing this meme now; it’s been slam-dunked.

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  15. Kia ora Dave,
    Fantastic! This had me spilling my tea.
    Cheers,
    Robb

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  16. Dave, you don’t very often make me cry but you did here.

    Piebald must figure large in the Friesian aesthetic, since that’s what all the cows are.

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  17. Number thirteen was hysterical. I think my middle name is thimble. or maybe kudzu.

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