My unqualified opinion is that you’ve got to be a poet to be able to translate one. I like what you did with this – especially the way you broke the sonnet up into manageable chunks – I think the third is especially nice.
Might you include Trueblood’s version, just for the sake of comparison?
I like to play around with prose translation, but would never attempt poetry. Sometimes when I read a poet who writes simply, like Neruda, I’m tempted to make a go of it. I haven’t read Sor Juana since college and still find her difficult to follow.