How to procreate


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Repeat after me: reproduction is mandatory, but sex is dirty and sinful.

According to scripture, you can minimize contagion by keeping it in the family, or at least the tribe.

Hold hands when you walk, preferably ones that are still attached to bodies.

Check with local jurisdictions before deciding to go topless or baring an ankle.

Lower the newspaper between you slowly to increase your partner’s excitement.

Use the fire exit only for emergencies.

Boundaries are important in a relationship.

A zygote deserves every right of an American citizen, presuming it’s not in the country illegally.

Remember: oral sex never leads to pregnancy unless both partners speak the same language.

Don’t buy leather unless it’s been cured with brains.

Choose the lovers’ leap that’s right for you. Does the vegetation at the bottom match your blouse?

Holy spirit possession is the only truly safe sex.

Don’t just rock—roll! Make yourselves into a perfect cylinder of lust.

Angels, like snails, are hermaphroditic, which may account for their air of superiority.

Find new uses for mucous, O pushers of the envelope.

Know thyself, sure, but don’t stop there.

If you want the candle to stay erect, dribble hot wax into the holder.

Let your eyes do all the work, like a seed potato.

Use a 3-D printer to make plastic copies of yourself.

Don’t stop with circumcision. Remove the flesh around the ears, lose your eyelids, pull out your fingernails.

We shouldn’t presume to separate ourselves from the suffering world.

The mouth is born without teeth, just a tongue and a howl.

Nature is against nature.

Most birds have no penises, and most honeybees are non-reproductive females who act as sexual go-betweens for flowers. So much for the birds and the bees.

As for storks, they only live in the Old World. Their closest relatives in the New World are vultures.

Delivery of your order is by sea, and may take up to nine months.

Contents may expand in transit.

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Dave Bonta (bio) crowd-sources his problems by following his gut, which he shares with 100 trillion of his closest microbial friends — a close-knit, symbiotic community comprising several thousand species of bacteria, fungi, and protozoa. In a similarly collaborative fashion, all of Dave’s writing is available for reuse and creative remix under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License. For attribution in printed material, his name (Dave Bonta) will suffice, but for web use, please link back to the original. Contact him for permission to waive the “share alike” provision (e.g. for use in a conventionally copyrighted work).

2 Comments


  1. Delightful! Wonderful placement, too, so that I laughed out loud at “Know thyself, sure, but don’t stop there.” And I love the feel of “Delivery of your order is by sea, and may take up to nine months.” The whole thing is like an eight-months-earlier, Bontaesque version of Plath’s “Metaphors.”

    Reply

    1. Thanks, Peter. I guess I’ll have to renew my acquaintance with that Plath poem…

      Reply

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